i blamed you/for this/for making me this way/for the vicious battle/i’ve been playing/back and forth/with all the parts/i want to get rid of/but still remain/maybe that night/i took fire to my own flesh/desperate to find/the exact location of you in me/to trying to burn you out completely/enoughwasenough/i can’t lie/for a second before the stench excreted from my pores/i felt relief

 

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bupropion 300 mg/temazepam 30 mg aripiprazole 5 mg/sertraline 100 mg/this disease of mine/was birthed by you/by your decision/release me from the insidiousness of your grasp/throat raw/choked out/ fucking delirious/scratching flesh wounds

 

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you put me here/or was it the you in me/either way/i’m here/in this loony bin/for 4 nights/with a rubber bathroom door/and no shoelaces/i was awakened every night with shock waves of terror/bearing witness to my demons/liberating themselves/over the blank walls/counting sheep never helped/i traced city scapes on the shower curtains

 

the first night/they wheeled me up from the ER/put me in the shower/and left me to rest/the morning came/there were two rooms/one with a TV/the other with my bed/the food was good/the company was crazy/the meds were wrong and i saw things i wish i never did/like blood/and odors i never knew the human body could produce/they took my vitals everyday/poked a lot of needles in my arms

 

most of them had children/that had been taken/some were going to or coming from a prison cell/there was the lady who said she saw the light/and had/a womb full of Micheal Caines baby/i played a few rounds of checkers with a whitebody from Kentucky/he tried to get in my pants/but mama/I didn’t let him/the youngblood/with the hazel eyes/302ed/and methed out of his mind/tried it too

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to be honest/this is a recall poem/just glimpses of remembrance/i think every day after was pretty much the same/except the morning of the 4th day/when my roommate/Laura/tried tying a towel around her neck after the french toast and muffins

 

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maybe i’ll write a poem for each one/of them someday/most of them were there before i was/and were still there after i left/when i lay to rest/i recite their names/from under my tongue/and contemplate if i can i forgive you now/can i forgive the unwanted parts of you in me/or the me/in its entirety/feast on my flaws and savor them for sustenance/every morning around 4am/i decide i don’t know/but godgoddamn, i’m trying

 

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Ⓒ Doriana Diaz 2022 All Rights Reserved

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